Playing With Fire

As a Canucks fan, I find today’s matchup against the Calgary Flames a terrifying prospect.

Both teams come into this northwest division undercard tilt as so-far disappointments – moreso Vancouver considering their (topical) two-term President’s trophies – that really need a win to salvage their reputations as television entertainment. Given a cage match between the two opponents, I see Vancouver as a bruised tactician on their stepping-stone, gimme fight against a schizophrenic swing-for-the-fences fence builder.

Feaster would later escape, only to build fans’ hopes up again.

The Canucks organization seems to be distracted while playing games, maybe as a result of the ongoing “Rober-to-your-team-maybe-but-we’re-not-telling” saga. Luongo and Schneider however, deny the questioned tension, stress, confusion and awkward everything, citing their affable relationship and posing for pictures together while the opposition quietly pots another goal behind them. That the biggest story behind Vancouver’s (albeit traditionally dismal) start to the season still focuses on what’s reported as a shoulder shrug rather than a determined index finger to the future is worrisome.

Though what makes it positively harrowing is that the Flames somehow obtained a crystal ball made of obvious futures and have been figuratively stoking themselves in preparation for Vancouver. There are a number of reasons the Canucks should (finally) take their divisional runts seriously this year, and I’ve compiled a list of them because I want to be completely wrong. As they say, “Support hope with sarcasm, because somewhere someone will be happy with the internet aggregate”.

Calgary Beats Vancouver Because:

-One is the loneliest number: Luongo only has a .909 save percentage with a 2.45 goals against average, up against Kiprusoff’s  respective .830 and 4.54 and this is bad because Cory “11.11 GAA” Schneider is starting.

-It takes two to Tanguay: Supposed second-line left winger Alex Tanguay had a terrific game in a losing effort against the apparently mighty Ducks of Anaheim in their last game, posting an assist on the powerplay and a goal on the first line while supposed first-line left winger Alex Burrows hasn’t scored a single Sedin-related-or-otherwise point. Vancouver’s at an Alex disadvantage including:

-#23, whose team-leading goals and points digits (2,3) are suspect to internet memes  considering his nonexistent +/- rating, which for a defenseman is unacceptable considering the battery his goaltender takes. If you don’t have a sparkle in your eye or are going crazy yet, get out, because my writing is fool’s gold.

-Though -3 defenseman Mark Giordano is under suspension review for blindsiding the Green Men, look for Calgary to stifle Vancouver’s offense further with some unexpected help from Edmonton Oilers’ high draft pick Jordan “hey me too” Eberle, as he’s effectively (read: apparently) prevented recent Canuck call-up Jordan Schroeder from a.) entering the building, b.) saving, borrowing, investing, and c.) eating popcorn, c’mon seriously, someone feed our only prospect, he’s very little.

-Finally, expect Vancouver to lose because they’re icing a team with only one scoring line. How are they supposed to compete against the Flames’ – um, firepower no wait, uh, something that melts the ice, like heat but in terms of strength, like “hot bod” but not suggestive, er, their “match”-ismo, I guess haha I don’t know – go Canucks!

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2 responses to “Playing With Fire

  1. Sounds like a sparsely educated hick from the outskirts of anywhere intelligent. The Vancouver Canucks, including their as you see them, poorly managed, yet undieniably imenetrable goaltending force, are dominating the poop out of your flickering Flames. We have run the league 2 years straight. Yes we don’t have the cup, but we have lost it to the winning teams both times. Your little sparklers have barely kept their names in the record books. This is our time, so put your money where your uneducated, and obviously unaware mouth is! We are pissing all over the flames and there is no chance your band of ringette players is gonna stop us. Go Canucks Go!!!!

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